I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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