It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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