i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
