Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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