mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
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