My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
