and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
