I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
