It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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