My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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