I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
