my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
