One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I enjoy the company of your penis
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
