Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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