Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
