Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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