my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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