I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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