She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Hippo gnu deer
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
