Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
