I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
