You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
