I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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