I wish my penis had an off switch
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
