Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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