I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize