we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
