Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
