I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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