she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
