I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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