I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
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After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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