My liver just broke up with me...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
