I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
