you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
