I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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