he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
