When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
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