it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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