i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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