You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
