Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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