imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
