it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Sober January is a disaster.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's never too late to be topless.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
