Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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