Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
