"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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