I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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