Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
