Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
