I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
