I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.