you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
im six kinds of drunk right now
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank