i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS