Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
