Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
