just come out here and I will go home with you...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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