I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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