Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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