you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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