Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
